So school is out and Christmas is in.  And honestly, I'm happy that I won't have to see any of those people for two weeks.

I had a massive breakdown yesturday after school.  It's the first one I've had in a long while.  I guess everything just bubbled to the surface, and I really couldn't stop it.  I'm tired of being alone, and I'm tired of slowly losing all of the people I was once close to.  I'm probably going to be spending New Year's Eve alone for the first time since I was too young to stay up until midnight.  It's depressing.

I guess I just thought that things had changed since last year, but I come to find out that they really haven't.  The only thing that has is that I'm on meds now, so I don't care quite as much as I used to.

Russell is coming down for Christmas, but I don't know how much I'm going to really get to see him.  And I'm really scared of how it's going to effect me once he has to leave again.  As much as I'd like to think that he could move back, I know that it's probably not going to happen and I'm going to have to go months without seeing him again.

I haven't seen Nicole since the beginning of the school year when we went to Six Flags.  I talked to her the other day, and she said that we probably won't be able to see each other during Christmas break either.  I feel like I'm completely losing her, because we have different lives now and it's almost like we don't have time for one another anymore.

And I guess my own feelings are keeping me at a distance from the friends that I actually get to see.  I'm scared that I'm going to wind up losing them all too, and, I have to admit, sometimes I think it's already starting to happen.

I was happy to finally have a day I could just lounge around alone and do nothing, but then my brother came home sick from school.  I guess it really doesn't change anything, because I hardly even notice he's there, but I can't blast my music or sing as loud and as off-key as I want to.  I really can't vent when he's in the house to see or hear me do it, so I guess I'm going to have to bottle it up and spew it into my webjournals instead.

But don't feel sorry for me.  I probably hate you right now anyway.  Don't take it personally, you didn't do anything to me that I hate you for.  I just need someone to focus my anger on, and I chose the rest of the human race.  Enjoy.

It's going to be Christmas soon, and I'll be forced to face all of my relatives and smile and say thank you for all of the presents they gave to me, proving once again that they no absolutely nothing about me.  But I really shouldn't think that way.

Wish me luck,

Keisha

Seeing relatives on Christmas really sucks. I have to sepnd the whole day with my boyrfriend's family! Uck!! And to top it all off, I haven't seen or heard from my daughter in over 7 months. I was hoping she might call...but I doubt it. So I can understand that you're feeling down right now. Hang in there....you'll get through it!